How To Be a Better Listener in a Relationship & Marriage

Most people would say they are good listeners if questioned. But is it really the case? Consider your most recent chat with your partner. Who or what were you?

Were you concurrently watching television? Are you perusing your social media feeds? wash the dishes? Is a game being played?

The reality is that we can all improve our listening skills, regardless of how excellent we believe you are at it already. To ensure that our partners feel heard and understood, we can all always strive to do better. to temporarily put them at the center of our attention and ensure that they feel they are receiving the devoted care they require.

How to Become a Better Listener

We can all become better listeners in our relationships, whether we are already good listeners or realize we have a long way to go in that area. So without further ado, here are some crucial pointers you may utilize to improve your listening skills in your marriage or relationship.

1. Pay Attention to Body Language

This specific piece of advice now applies to both your own and your partner’s body language. In order to better comprehend your partner’s sentiments, it’s vital to pay attention to how they are sitting and what their body language is conveying.

You want to make sure that your partner can see that you are paying attention to them using your own body language. For instance, I won’t feel listened to if I’m talking to my spouse about something that has been upsetting me and they are looking away from me and around the room at other things. You want to convey to your spouse that you value their opinions and are concerned about their needs.

To accomplish this, make sure you are facing your partner with your body and staring at them. Leaning forward can also demonstrate that you are paying attention to what they are saying – imagine a young child listening to a story; when they are engaged, they move closer to the speaker.

2. Listen to Learn (Not Reply)

While debate classes in school could encourage us to engage in stimulating discussions that examine many issues and viewpoints, doing so could be detrimental to our overall well-being. In a discussion, you don’t actually listen to your “opponent” so much as you watch for opportunities to introduce your point of view.

When you’re speaking with your spouse, this is a terrible habit to get into. Focus on listening to your spouse to understand them rather than just hearing what they have to say to support themselves.

Finding out more about our discussion partners is the nicest part of doing so. Therefore, the next time you are speaking with your spouse, pay close attention so you may better comprehend their viewpoint without trying to refute it.

3. Focus on the Speaker

You have to truly listen if you want to be a good listener. That’s a big surprise, I know, but it’s more difficult than people realize. In order to truly listen to someone, you must put all of your attention on them and what they are saying.

For many of us, especially those of us who were raised doing many tasks at once, this may be tremendously challenging. However, putting in the effort to show your spouse that you are giving them your whole attention while listening to them will rapidly elevate your reputation as the world’s best listener.

In order to be totally present and able to listen to each other, turn off the TV and put your phone on silent the next time you and your spouse are having a conversation.

4. Paraphrase to Acknowledge Your Partner’s Feelings

A very helpful technique that might reassure your spouse that you are paying attention and genuinely understanding them is paraphrasing.

Paraphrasing your partner’s worries also gives them the assurance that you are understanding what they are trying to communicate and are not misrepresenting or misunderstanding things, which can help prevent more arguments.

You may utilize paraphrase to make sure that you comprehend both your partner’s words and their sentiments. However, it’s crucial to just utilize paraphrase as a beginning point.

Make sure you take the time to add your own thoughts after you’ve rephrased your partner’s sentiments or words; doing so prevents them from feeling like they’re speaking to a parrot.

5. Listening Does Not Mean Problem-Solving

The difficulty of listening is immense. Many of us believe that we have an obligation to address a partner’s problem as soon as it is brought up. Being a good listener pauses the problem-solving process, even though we should frequently be working with our spouse to solve any worries or difficulties that arise.

Sometimes our partners just want to be heard and recognized by their partners; they don’t always need anything “fixed.” Therefore, pay attention to what your spouse is saying when you are talking to them; issue-solving may be done afterward and together.

6. Listen Without Judgment

Okay, it might be quite hard to entirely suspend judgment, especially if you are listening to your spouse criticize you or something you did. To get our partners’ attention off of us, many of us may feel the need to defend ourselves or bring up our own worries.

Being unresponsive in this way is not listening well. Encourage your spouse to use “I” words instead of defending yourself or taking the initiative. This quickly removes a lot of the perceived blame and allows you both to concentrate on your partner’s feelings.

• An illustration of an “I” statement as opposed to a “you” statement might look like this:
• I constantly feel like I need to tidy up messes around the house and do the dishes.
  You never clean up messes around the house or wash any of the dishes.

This small distinction may make it so much simpler to discuss your partner’s issues without making them feel attacked.

7. Empathize with Your Partner

Okay, so if you don’t want to listen to your spouse, none of the advice above will help. And by truly listening to them, we don’t just mean waiting for an opportunity to disagree.

You must actively seek to comprehend your partner’s point of view in addition to simply hearing what they have to say in order to be a truly effective listener.

This can be quite challenging, particularly if you feel the need to protect yourself. However, the reality is that in order to genuinely grasp your partner’s perspective and feelings, you must empathize with them.

8. Talk to a Therapist

In addition to offering additional and more individualized tactics that can help you become a better listener in your particular relationship, a licensed therapist can be a tremendous resource for you as you work through the aforementioned advice.

As a result, if you are the only one trying to improve, speaking with a therapist can also help you find ways to talk to your partner about your concerns. It is crucial to remember that good communication is a two-way street where both members of the relationship need to practice good listening skills.

For partners or spouses who wish to develop improved communication patterns, couples counseling is a fantastic solution.

Therefore, don’t hesitate to get in touch with us at Love Heal Grow if you need any more individual help to sharpen your listening skills if you and your partner want some advice on how to communicate more effectively, or if you just have a few questions you’d like to discuss. Each of us can improve our listening skills, and sometimes seeking outside advice is the most effective course of action.

9. Making assumptions might not help

The term “perception checking” is used by Orbuch. You want to be certain that you comprehend both what your spouse said and how they feel.

For instance, when your spouse is actually delighted or agitated, you can assume they are upset with you, according to Orbuch.

Think about saying, “Did I hear you’re feeling XYZ with me because of how I acted at the Christmas party?” Your speaker will then have the opportunity to elaborate on the conversation’s emotional content.

10. Debaters aren’t invited

Engagement is more than just providing a rejoinder or arguing your own position in response to what your partner has said.

Stopping the argument in your thoughts and focusing on the listener is an essential part of active listening.

According to Susan Heitler, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in Denver and author of the book “The Power of Two: Secrets of a Strong & Loving Marriage,” “debaters listen to show that they’re right and the other is wrong.”

How can you tell if you are a good listener or a debater? According to Heitler, the first person will typically begin their response with “Yes, but” or “I know, but…” She continues, “You may even say a silent but by ending the discussion.”

The phrase “quiet but” can also refer to poisonous attitudes like apathy or silent treatment.

Robert Solley, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist with a focus on couples counseling in San Francisco, says that in order to truly understand what the speaker is saying, the listener must suppress their own emotional emotions and interpretations.

11. Tune Out Distractions

Although this advice on listening may seem obvious, it is crucial and something that many of us find difficult. There are several things you can do in advance to better prepare yourself for attentive listening, such as putting your phone on silent, shutting off any background-playing music, television, or other gadgets, or, if you’re out in public, finding a quieter location.

Do this attention trick: mirror the person speaking. If you’re one of those people who still find it difficult to concentrate during a discussion even when there are no outside distractions, try this.

It works because it gives your body something to do while you’re listening, which helps you not only show the speaker that you’re engaged in the conversation but also helps you stay focused on the words they are saying. This involves mirroring the hand and body movements and the facial expressions of the person you’re listening to.

12. Give Positive Feedback

No, this does not imply that you concur with everything being said, but rather that you are actively using verbal and nonverbal cues to show the speaker that you are paying attention to what they have to say.

Similar to the mirroring technique discussed above, there are various nonverbal and vocal signals that may be used to demonstrate active listening, such as keeping eye contact, making minor head movements like nodding or turning, and uttering sounds like “hmmm” or a soft “tsk” with your lips.

Again, this is all to show that you are paying attention to what your partner is saying, but don’t let your compliments become a diversion in and of itself! If you’ve been with someone for a while, you’ll be able to tell when they’re listening and when they aren’t, therefore it’s crucial to have effective listening skills if you want to have respectful communication in marriage and other committed partnerships.

13. Leave the Assumptions Behind

We all bring our own presumptions to the conversation, but if we want to improve our listening skills in interpersonal interactions, we need to be conscious of when we do so. Common presumptions include the notions that you already know what the other person wants to say, why they want to say it, and even that you know what they “truly” want to say even if they aren’t expressing it out loud.

Whew. There is a tonne of assumptions there!

These assumptions have a few problems, but the biggest one is that even if we knew someone inside and out, we wouldn’t know precisely what they wanted to say to us, and it would be rude to presume that we did! We do not live in each other’s thoughts, hearts, or bodies!

Assumptions hinder effective listening in relationships because they allow us to filter the speaker’s words via the notion that we already know everything they will say, preventing us from hearing their actual words. Instead of making assumptions, make sure you pay attention to what is actually being stated.

14. Aim for Understanding

Checking presumptions at the door and aiming for comprehension in a discussion is the ideal transition that puts us in a position to genuinely hear what is being said. Develop a curious mentality to do this. You will be working toward understanding if you are really interested in hearing what the other person has to say (instead of thinking you already know!).

Because you remember every shared encounter you’ve ever had, listening in relationships might be a little more difficult than listening to strangers because it can affect both what you hear during the discussion and what you’re thinking.

Remember that you shouldn’t practice your replies while the other person is speaking in a discussion. To keep you focused on listening rather than replying, develop an interest in what the other person has to say so you can comprehend what they are trying to communicate. This is crucial if you want to learn how to listen well in a relationship.

15. Look for Nonverbal Cues

Since a lot of what we say to each other is expressed through nonverbal clues, paying attention to them is an excellent approach to engaging in active listening in relationships. Knowing that someone is likely already in an aggressive or defensive state if they start out with their hands on their hips or their arms crossed in front of them can offer you a strong communication tip.

It’s crucial to be aware of your own nonverbal clues in addition to the nonverbal signs of the person you are listening to. Mirroring, which was previously described as a strategy to keep focused on the topic, is also a great way to show the person speaking that you are completely involved in the conversation with them and are paying attention to what they are saying.

16. Don’t Debate Someone’s Experience

This is one of the most important pieces of advice for listening in relationships because, even if you had a different perception of the event, it is usually inappropriate to disagree with someone while they are sharing their point of view.

Choose your words carefully, emphasizing utilizing “I” language, such as “I had a different experience during X since what I observed was…” if the scenario calls for it. If the speaker will benefit from hearing about your experience or is lacking knowledge, it is also advisable.

Everyone has a right to their own perspective, therefore you shouldn’t outright disagree with someone’s experience, but you can respond with your own if it is beneficial or essential. Everyone in a relationship should feel secure enough to share their point of view openly, and this can only happen if we don’t fear that our spouse will criticize us for being “wrong.”

Remembering that emotions are just that—emotions—and that they are neither objective nor definable as “right” or “wrong” might assist. As a result, listening in relationships should entail respecting your partner’s emotions, even if you don’t agree with them,

17. Pick a Good Time to Talk

It’s not always possible to do this, but if you are aware that someone wants to talk to you about anything, choose a time when you can give your complete attention to the conversation. We don’t always have the luxury of choosing when we will have relationship discussions, but if you can steer clear of times when there will be unavoidable distractions, such as when you’re hungry before lunch or pressed for time to get out the door, you’ll be much better prepared to give the conversation your full attention.

How to become an effective speaker – How To Be a Better Listener

Sticking to one issue

You could have a few topics to discuss, but if they are unconnected you might want to take them one at a time.

Avoid “kitchen sinking,” which, according to Orbuch, is bringing up all of your issues or worries at once.

According to Orbuch, concentrating on one subject allows “your spouse to clearly respond to an issue and find out how to improve.” However, a spouse who is kitchen sinking is “boxed in and they don’t know where to go.”

Using “I” statements

When a speaker says “you,” the listener could become defensive and stop paying attention.

Consider expressing, “I feel uncomfortable when you do that,” instead of, “You’re so rude to me.”

Using X, Y, and Z statements

This entails highlighting a behavior (X), in a specific circumstance (Y), and expressing how it makes you feel (Z).

When you do this in the discussion, your spouse may name a certain situation, comprehend your feelings around it, and know what to do.

Say to your partner, for instance, “I get irritated and disappointed when you don’t say ‘hello’ to my mom every time she comes over.” They now understand how significant it is for you to greet your mother.

Why good listening is so important

It may seem obvious, but the secret to effective communication is to be a great listener rather than just a good talker. Effective communication is a critical skill that all couples must master.

We may better understand one another, feel more kinship and connection to one another, and ultimately prevent unneeded conflict by practicing good listening skills. Additionally, it enables us to deal with it more skillfully when it does ultimately emerge.

Paraphrase and Summarize Back

You’ll become a much become better listener in your relationships if you can master this technique, which is yet another crucial active listening strategy. Paraphrasing is the act of repeating back what was said in your own words while summarising is the act of reviewing what was stated.

The speaker is reassured that you are hearing them when you can reflect what you hear back to them during the conversation. They can also explain any topics that you might not have understood completely. One of the relationship listening techniques that can stop misunderstandings and future arguments is this one.

These relationship listening ideas should be useful to you whether you’re trying to learn how to listen better in a personal or professional setting.

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